Wednesday, March 24, 2010

THIS MUST END



Friends, family, colleagues, and general readers: It is with a heavy heart that I write this week's blog post, as I must reveal to you a great injustice that has been taking place in our own backyards for decades. Perhaps even centuries. Now, this problem has probably gone unnoticed by most of you, but fortunately, I'm here to lay a few Eggs of Truth into your Skillets of Justice, so that together we can cook up an Omelet of Correctitude.

There was a time when humans and camels lived together in harmony, and the majestic animal would roam our streets without fear or humiliation. This was, of course, before the Great Exploitation. People began to find it convenient to simply hop a ride atop one of the wandering quadrupeds to travel to their destinations when they simply couldn't afford a cab or didn't have change for bus fare. Granted, these people felt some guilt at these "free-rides", so they paid the camels with the only kind of compensation they could offer: cigarettes. This soon became a customary form of payment. This system worked well for a while; the camels did not mind giving rides, having nothing better to do, and they enjoyed the smooth taste, relaxing nature, and the inherent cool-factor that cigarettes provided. Then, as with all things, a big tobacco company executive saw his chance to turn a profit. Camel cigarettes, and their mascot, Camel Joe, were born.

Everything went downhill from there. Smoking camels (which was basically every camel at this point) everywhere lost their identity, as every one of them became known only as "Joe, the camel from the cigarette box", and were required to wear sunglasses and a leather jacket, even on the hottest of days. Sure, they could have quit smoking and lost the image, but the nicotine levels within their bodies had gone through the roof, which made it nearly impossible to quit. Besides, by the time they could have had done this, it would have been too late.

Naturally, a group of Midwestern soccer moms had a few choice words about the state of things. They felt that it was irresponsible to have these smoking camels roaming the streets in plain view of impressionable children. Parents of smokers claimed that their children had picked up the dirty habit from riding camels to school and to friends' houses. They demanded that the government take action. These demands, sadly, were granted quickly and quietly.

Almost overnight, nearly every camel was picked up off of the streets and shipped to various deserts around the world. They were all separated from their families, and due to extreme withdrawal, they all developed a large, agonizingly painful abscess on their backs, which we now know as "humps". This, of course, did not stop any of the ridicule that they had garnered from cigarettes. Fortunately, they had no problem dealing with the heat, due to being forced to wear the jackets in the past. Aside from this, many of the camels developed a condition known as "Sand Madness", which caused delusions of having special abilities, such as flight (as shown in the photo above).

People! We need to stop spreading lies about camels! Their humps are not filled with life-sustaining water, but with the pain of several years of mistreatment, along with several gallons of burning pus. We must educate those around us, and hopefully, gain attention from the government, and tell them that we won't stand for this injustice anymore. We can NOT rest until every camel has returned to their home with their families and easy access to rehab, free to roam the streets, like in the days of old. Join me, brothers and sisters, and fight the good fight on the Camel Liberation Front!

THIS MUST END

2 comments:

Jessica G said...

Bring the camels back! Where do I sign up?

Ramage, what? said...

HAHAHAHA hilarious! skillet of justice...